There are many facets to adoption. There is a call from God on your life to share your home, your heart and all your love with a child who desperately needs all of those things. There are families who are now literally waiting years for these children and at the same time, there are children who are waiting years to be joined with their families. There are families praying for children and there are unspoken prayers from children wanting the love of a family.
But while an orphanage or a foster home is not the same as a family, it is what the children know. In our case, Rebecca has lived at the Starfish Home since she was around 18 months old. She turned 3 in September so she has been with Amanda over half of her little life and she loves Amanda fiercely.
When Amanda brought her to us on that Sunday little Rebecca had been as prepared as she could possibly have been prepared. She had been given pictures of us and she knew us all by name. We had talked to her on skype several times and she already knew us as mama and baba (the chinese name for daddy). But none of that completely prepares a 3 year old for being taken away from everything she knows. I've already written about her shaking and being scared but how she warmed up fairly easily and how over the course of the next few days she seemed to adjust easily.
A few nights after her adoption we met up with Amanda at an Indian Restaurant along with another family who had just adopted another Starfish baby and Rebecca was delighted to see Amanda. She has the cutest little English accent and proncounces it "Amahnda". Amanda let her talk on her cell phone to one of the nannies and sweet little Rebecca asked about each of the babies. She talked and talked and talked. All too soon dinner was over and it was time for us to go back to our hotel. Amanda walked with us to catch a taxi and she talked to Rebecca about going back with us. But all that talking does no good when she is driving off from all that she loves. Our poor little girl bawled her eyes out and yelled out for her "Amahnda" over and over and over. Absolutely gut wrenching cries. That night after we were sound asleep is when Brian woke up and heard Rebecca trying to leave our room.
Amanda is a firm believer in new families spending as much time with the foster family as possible but there were so many things going on with us and also Amanda had the other adoption. But I had promised her that we would return to the Starfish Home to visit before we left. It was a promise I regretted making after driving off with a screaming child from the restaurant. There was absolutely not a thing I could do to comfort her, I felt totally and completely helpless but I knew that without a doubt my grief didn't come close to touching the grief Rebecca was feeling. Brian did not want to take Rebecca back the next day. There have been very few times in our married life that Brian has told me firmly that we were or were not doing anything but we went to bed that night with me being prepared for him to tell me I was not taking her back. I sent a quick email to Amanda and asked her to pray ... not that her will happen, or that my will happen but that we all do the right thing for Rebecca.
I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that night for little Rebecca and asked the Lord to guide us in the way we should go. In my heart I believed that painful or not, I needed to take her back and give her the chance to say goodbye. We woke up the next morning and I had an email from Amanda basically saying the same thing and suggesting I bring her alone. She also wanted me to bring her back on Friday too. After much discussion we agreed that I would take her back that day but that was to be the final goodbye. There would be no visit on Friday.
So Thursday morning I loaded up Emma and Rebecca in a taxi and off we headed. My heart was heavy and my soul filled with dread on how Rebecca would react.
It's funny how you look back on things and realize how strongly you feel something at a moment in time. When we walked into the room I was struck with how happy a place it is. The room was filled with volunteers and babies seemingly everywhere. There were also some visitors from the orphanage and I think there were also some people visiting who wanted to volunteer at a later date. Everyone was so happy to see Rebecca and she went from laid back to wound up in a matter of seconds. Amanda had bought her another bag of tangerines and Rebecca was busy as could be pulling them out of the bag and passing them out to everyone.
The part that is not easy for me to share is that when we had dinner and then again when we were there in "her" home, she didn't want anything to do with me which just broke my heart but I tried looking at it from her perspective. I wasn't sure what to do. Is it best to step in and remind her that I'm her mother or is it best to step back and allow her the time? I chose the latter, but it wasn't an easy choice for me.
Amanda and I along with her assistant retreated to her bedroom and Rebecca calmed a little but still did not want anything to do with me. We were able to talk quite a bit and then another family I had befriended online were staying at the guest apartment and she came and talked with us a while too.
Amanda had ordered lunch in and when we joined everyone else and went to sit down Rebecca did not want anything to do with me. She became very unruly during lunch and at one point the nanny took her away from the table and fed her in a different room. My heart was breaking for her and as a mother I felt like I truly didn't know what to do.
Emma asked to go down to the guest apartment so someone took her down for me which then upset Rebecca even more so Amanda and I ended up going down there too. This seemed to calm her some and so I told Amanda that we would have to say our goodbyes from there. My friend Gayly's husband was kind enough to take a taxi back with me and the girls and so we started preparing our things to leave.
Both Amanda and Rebecca's nanny were given some time alone with her to share their goodbyes. I cry now even as I type this because the love they all share was so evident. Amanda's eyes brimmed with tears as did the nanny's. Amanda had told me the night before that one of the nannies had commented that with Rebecca gone, all the fun was gone.
As we left and Rebecca was once again sobbing for Amanda, I couldn't help but wonder if we were really doing the right thing for Rebecca. Amanda's goal is for all the children to find their homes but I know that part of her heart drove off with us that day.
Amanda wrote a four page letter to Rebecca that she sent back with me, but I can't even bring myself to read it yet. There's just no doubt in my mind how much Amanda loves her babies and I just do not think my heart can take reading it at this point. The pain is just too much for now.
Me, Gigi, Emma, Amanda & Rebecca as we were leaving.
Rebecca loving on her nanny.
Special goodbyes for Amanda & Rebecca.
Gigi painted the girls fingernails, of course Emma LOVED that. She told me she loves Gigi!
Rebecca's nanny, Rebecca, Gigi & Emma
Chilling out in Amanda's room.
Rebecca sharing her tangerines with her friends.
