Friday, July 18, 2008

7.18.93

15 years ago today my father lost his battle with cancer. These past 15 years have passed seemingly in the blink of an eye. When you are young, 15 years seems like such a LONG time but yet when you reach the age I am now, it’s a completely different outlook.

So what’s happened in those 15 years?

Brian & I married in 1995, without my dad to walk me down the aisle. Thankfully though, I have an awesome brother who was more than willing to step up to the task. I found not only was Brian my husband and my love - but my best friend as well.

Our first son was born in 1998, without a grandfather to welcome him into the world. Thankfully though, my mother was there for the whole thing. And when I say “there”, I mean literally there – in the room as it happened! I had wanted the moment to be just between me and Brian but when my mom asked I just couldn’t say no and when I look back, I’m so happy I made the decision I did. What a blessing Ryan is and oh how I love that little guy!

We moved from Texas to Kentucky in 2001. My dad had been out here to buy a few horses before he got sick and he came back extolling the beauty of Kentucky. Now that we are here, I would say I have to agree. The first time I went out to Keenland and stood in the paddock, under the trees where he had stood – I couldn’t help but feel that he was right there with us and could completely understand why he fell in love with the area.

We were blessed to add another child to the fold in 2005 and found out the hard way that 1 + 1 doesn’t necessarily = 2 when you’re talking about a pint sized child with a gallon size personality! But boy does she make life fun. Another blessing that is loved beyond measure.

In 2006 we decided to adopt again. You don’t know how deep the water is until you jump in, right? For now we wait and wait – we’ve already been waiting two years. Another blink of an eye.

As we wait though, I can’t help but ponder what my dad would have to say about our children? I can’t help but think he would be quite amused with their antics and would probably be one to bring out even more orneriness from them.

I also think about some of the things he said to us (my sister & I) about marriage and children. Our older siblings married relatively young and started their families. However my sister and I didn’t start so young and I can remember him asking me “why can’t you two be normal? Get married and have children like other people’s kids do.” He was half way joking, but I think there was a tad bit of truth to his question/statement. I can’t help but laugh when I think about that though because he’s the one who raised us to be able to “take care of yourself. Never depend on anyone”. Big words from a big guy who wanted his girls to do well in the world.

I miss him. Miss him terribly.

But today I look toward the future and hope & pray that we’re leading our children in the right direction and that we are as good of parents as we can be. We remain hopeful for our next child and pray that a specific child we’re praying for is indeed matched with our family. Big prayers. Big hope. And for some reason, all morning a song has been stuck in my head “Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be His name”. It goes on to say “He gives and takes away …” “my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be Your Name”.

For in Him, all things are possible …

4 comments:

4ever4some said...

What a beautiful post and I love your faith and love for the Lord. Felicia

Laura said...

Carolin, I can't believe it has been 15 yrs either. Time goes so fast any more. As a young child we can't wait to get older then when we got into our 30's/40's we would like time to slow way down but its funny how it keeps getting faster and faster.
You & Brian have done a great job raising Ryan & Emma and I know PaPa Charlie would be so proud of them & how they have been raised. They both are great, confident, healthy and beautiful kids. All you can do is your best and they will take the lessons tought to them to make their own decision on how they will live their lives.
Love ya.

Mia-Bella said...

That was such a beautiful post to honor your father and reflection of where life has taken you over the years.

Marla said...

What nice memories of your dad. I hope you find peace in that one day you will see him again.